There are no words…

People say that, but really, there are no words. 

Last week, Hutton finished what was supposed to be her last 5-day inpatient chemo. Hanna from Childlife decorated her room, and she was supposed to get to ring the bell in celebration. The paper rings we made for her to rip after each chemo treatment, as a way for her to visualize how long she has left, are supposed to be down to one. This September, she should be getting her last 1-day chemo treatment, and then she will be done. We were planning her return to school, her return to….” normal”.

But instead, during her inpatient treatment this week, she had an MRI and a couple of days later had a biopsy procedure. If you’re thinking, “This sounds familiar,” you would be correct because almost exactly one year ago, we were in this same position.

It was supposed to be DONE! But it’s not, we are back to the beginning, looking into the unknown, and left wondering, Is she going to have to do chemo again? Are they going to do radiation instead…or both? WHY IS THE CANCER NOT GONE, AND HOW THE HELL DID IT START TO GROW?

There are no words, we have no answers, and it sucks. Hutton has been through hell, and the cancer is still there; not only is it still there, it is growing! COME ON! She had a crazy surgery to remove her cancer - almost half of her pelvis has been removed to get rid of it, yet the cancer is still there. The small piece that was left, and that they couldn’t get to, the doctor wasn’t worried about it. He said it looked dead and inactive…then in a few weeks, out of nowhere, it almost doubled in size…. WHYYYYYYY?!?!

Now once again, we are left sitting and waiting…waiting to hear the results of the biopsy, waiting for her to have another PET Scan, waiting to see if she is going to have another year of treatments, but this time more intense…in a single day, we went from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, to seeing no light…hell we can’t even see the damn tunnel we’re in. 

So that is where we are…angry, frustrated, confused, and left wondering how and why…