TIRED, JUST TIRED

It’s hard to put into words just how tired we are.  We are 2 years into Hutton’s cancer journey, and we are EXHAUSTED.  Our lives are lived in between scans.  Hutton’s scans dictate our future.  Right now our schedule is pretty great, and Hutton is feeling good but getting the results of her next scan could drastically change that.  

We have a love/hate relationship with scans.  We know they are necessary, but waiting for scan appointments and then waiting for results that will change our future is something I cannot put into words. When I say they will change our future, I mean that literally.  No matter what the scan shows, our future will change in some way.  If the scan shows what we want that the tumors have gone away or shrunk- our current plan and schedule will change. If the scan shows the tumors have grown, our current plan and schedule will change.  Will she have surgery? Will she go back to chemo? 

We’re not gonna sugarcoat it. Her most recent scan was not great. Her tumors have never been the size where the size could be compared to objects. Seeing the tumors on the screen and hearing her doctor say “the size of a golf ball and the size of a large blueberry” is something that will be etched in my memory forever. Because Hutton is now on immunotherapy, the tumor growth could be “pseudo growth,” which could mean it’s working, but it could also mean it’s not, and there is no real way to tell for now. Now sit there with that knowledge for the next 2+ months….

So for now we are continuing with her current plan, but now we will have another consultation for directed radiation, this time for the tumors in her lungs. This will most likely mean moving back up to Westwood for at least a week, maybe two. 

And on top of all of this, Jeremy is having to deal with “issues” at work…so let’s add that stress to the bucket. 

So we know a lot more, while still knowing absolutely nothing… so ya, the words tired and exhausted do not really capture how we are feeling.